Saints Tour In The Murder Wagon
Written by Vanessa Tolino
Friday, 11 December 2009 00:08
What is Saints Tour, Chris, what are you doing?
I have no idea at this point. It was some weirdo pipedream I had as a kid; to see all 16 regular season Saints games. This happens to be the best season ever so its pretty sweet I did it now. I’m not sure if I’m gonna scale Everest but its kinda on that same to do list.
When did you decide to do Saints Tour?
The last game of the ‘08 season.
Why did it occur to you to actualize your childhood dream now?
I was like fuck that 8-8 that’s bullshit we are way better than that! Nine points away from being 13-3 and controlling the division and going to the playoffs you had to know we were gonna find a way to get those 9 points this season, and we have. I just decided I wanted to see it happen, with my own two eyes.
Where have you been specifically?
Philly, Buffalo, Miami, St. Louis, Tampa and headed to DC.
And all the home games?
Of course.
And you are driving your van, which you refer to as?
1994 Ford Rape. Or just “The Murder Wagon”….
Tell me about your van.
It’s an extended cargo van. It has a straight six in it, and it’s a magic magic motor. Who knew? I had no idea it would really actually make it this far.
When did you get the van and how many miles did have on it when you got it?
August the 22 of this year, and it had 220,000 miles.
Why would you think it would be a good idea to take this particular van and drive it all over the country?
A lot of people ask me that and say, “man its not gonna make it” and I’m like how do you know? Have you driven it 1200 miles? And you know there’s no way of knowing unless you do it, there’s really only one to find out.
What’s been going on with the van? Wasn’t there an incident where the van broke down right before a game? Where were you?
Yeah I thought it was a wrap for the van. I was in Baltimore, but I made it to the game in Philly. You figure I made it 800 miles, the van breaking down 120 miles away wasn’t going to stop me. I got the van fixed, but the problems weren’t really that big of a deal.
Tell me about the squirrel that’s on the front dashboard of the van.
The squirrel is a trophy that’s passed among my fishing buddies. It’s the White River Sportsman of the Year award, I was given Squirrel this year. Squirrel and I have had a good time, but Squirrel can get you in trouble.
You’re a Southern boy, right? I’m curious about is your impression of the Yankee country.
Yankees are the worst kind of people ever invented. (Ed. note: Ms. Tolino is, in fact, a Yankee, and likely forced out the following disclaimer): Everybody in Philly was very courteous, and a lot of stereotypes were broken for me. It was pretty cool cause people in Philly know their football history.
What have the other teams fans been like?
Buffalo fans are the pits, I can’t wait to go back and beat the crap outta every one ‘em, gonna hold that grudge for years, hate them.
Why?
Well, they live in Buffalo so I can understand why they are so unruly. They throw things. One of them kicked me.
What about your video of that gross guy in a bathroom? What was that, where was that?
I was in St. Louis and for whatever reason I decided to do an interview with my video camera in the bathroom after the game, and some guy jumped into the conversation saying shit like, “how many years has it been for the Saints since you won the superbowl?” I was like god you’re a fuckin’ hatesack. Then he started pushing me. Wish I woulda yelled at him, but it was just bewildering.
My favorite thing about that shot is that there are guys pissing in the urinals in the background.
Yeah it’s awesome footage, so rad.
What kind of preparation do you have to do before you leave? What kind of stuff do you have to pack and prepare?
All my tailgating gear, all my camping gear, clothes and video gear. It’s ridiculous.
Are you sleeping in the van?
Yeah I built a frame, and have a eurotop, and it’s really hard to wake up cause its so comfortable.
Okay, you have to tell me about the Saints, this is really important, but I don’t know what to ask because I don’t know shit about football.
We’re freakin unstoppable. It’s amazing. Drew Brees and the offense is as good as they were last year and the years prior, and they are that much better now. They are finely tuned and polished. And yeah they’ve had a couple of close calls, it’s kinda like they can get lazy, like with the Rams. But with high profile teams they get their game face on. When they played the Giants, the Eagles and the Patriots it was pure artwork, amazing on every level.
Which was the best game?
Philly was cool cause it was really hostile. Then when we scored 14 points in 4 minutes after the half.
Did you tell your parents that you were going on Saints Tour and missing all the holidays this year?
Yeah they didn’t believe me.
What about your sister, what did she say?
She disowned me because I won’t be around for anything.
And your friends, are they jealous or do they give a shit at all?
They’ve been wildly supportive. It helps cause we’re winning. If we were losing people would just think I was ridiculous.
So what’s coming up? You’ve been missing work and it’s expensive, right? How much does it cost to fill up the van and how far can you go on a tank?
The van cost 80 bucks and it gets about 300 miles.
This childhood dream is costing a lot of money. You’re missing work. Do you have enough money to do all this?
I have just enough money to get to DC and I can probably figure out a way to get to Atlanta…
What is your solution to your financial issues?
I am going to trade food for money.
What kind of food?
Shrimp and grits, baby, outta the Louisiana Gulf, and couchon de lait po boys. I got shovels, I’m gonna dig a hole and cook a pig ‘cause that’s how I roll.
Do you think we’re going to the playoffs and will you go?
Absolutely and absolutely.
Post Script: This interview was conducted as Chris prepared to leave for DC and Atlanta. He made it to DC and traded shrimp and grits en masse, generating enough cash to continue to Atlanta. As of Wednesday, December 9th, he was at a pit-stop in Wilmington, NC. The van’s transmission is going……but he’s confident he’ll make it to Atlanta in time to dig a ditch and cook the pig in time for the game on Sunday.
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