Mayoral Candidates Pledge Never To Travel, Ever

Written by NOLAFugees Staff
Wednesday, 18 November 2009 04:21

As Nagin is battered every time he leaves town, mayoral hopefuls take provincialism to new extremes.

Eager to define themselves against the perceived excesses of the past 8 years of the Nagin administration, the declared candidates for the 2010 New Orleans Mayoral election engaged in a strange bidding war over how little they would travel out of the city during their terms.

"Voters of the city agree that any time a Mayor travels, it is a waste of taxpayer dollars, or at the very least a signal of indifference to the suffering of the citizens whose interest he has sworn to uphold," said recently declared candidate John Georges, "Therefore, even though I can easily travel the globe on my own dime, I vow as mayor not to leave Orleans Parish. Ever. Even if that means no more free water for country-ass black protestors. Now give me that Times-Picayune endorsement, Ashton."

Seeking to position himself alongside Georges, State Senator Ed Murray issued a competing promise. "Although I've spent the better part of my political career in Baton Rouge forging meaningful legislative relationships," Murray said, "today I say Fuck Baton Rouge. I've seen Mike the Tiger's cage on the LSU campus. And I've seen Jindal slit all our throats. That's the town in a nutshell."

Fair Housing advocate James Perry was right behind Georges and Murray. "I'm down with a travel ban for all elected city officials. If it means I can't ever go into St. Bernard Parish again, that's a sacrifice I can live with. There and those uptight university towns. I'm tired of that hustle. Matter of fact, chain me to the desk at City Hall. Shit, as much as I'm on Twitter and the internet, I'll just travel virtually. Just let me watch my girl on MSNBC."

Businesswoman Leslie Jacobs, a late entrant to the race, also signaled a willingness to stay put. "I used to like shopping at Dorignac's every now and then. Such bright, educated teenagers they hire there. But when I'm Mayor, Jefferson Parish is strictly off limits. I'll simply send my minions. And don't worry about city-issued vehicles. They'll walk like the brainwashed out-of-state civic-minded sycophants they are. On their knees if I say so."

The only candidate who expressed an unwillingness to adhere to such travel restrictions is businessman Troy Henry. "Fools, I've got a car in my driveway for every day of the week. If I want to roll with my man Wendell [Pierce, actor and campaign chair] over to Biloxi to catch Patti LaBelle at Beau Rivage, I'm gonna do it. And if I shake a hand, I declare it city business and it's all on the taxpayer. Honk honk!"