Oy, Such An Accusation!
Written by NOLAFugees Staff
Monday, 11 February 2008 08:10
According to a recent Times-Picayune article, Goldstein had been booked with attempted rape, false imprisonment, and possession of nitrous oxide. Following his lawyer’s advice, Goldstein remained silent on the details of the case. He did make plain, however, that the article, which depicted him as a caped, oversexed nutjob, was riddled with inaccuracies. Fortunately, a NOLAFugees.com staffer was with Goldstein earlier in the day of the alleged crimes and was eager to respond to the article.
“LJ had definitely been wearing purple with the pink body glitter. That part is true. I’ve got pink smeared onto my costume from when he hugged me at Box of Wine,” a reference to one of the many “renegade parades” that take place over the Carnival season. Goldstein helps organize the Box of Wine parade, which traditionally runs on the uptown parade route on the Sunday before Mardi Gras, between Mid-City and before Bacchus.
“I don’t know about the nitrous,” our staffer added. “Sure, there were balloons at the parade, but Box of Wine did a circus theme this year. I think there was a helium tank under the cage.” The “cage” refers to a wine-bottle shaped enclosure where a toga-clad woman danced as minions offered boxed wine to parade spectators. Instead of being pulled by tractor or mule, the helium-carrying wine-bottle float was pulled by a team of “Pony Girls,” women wearing leather harnesses roped to the float.
“That’s why he had hay and hula hoops in his trunk,” our staffer continued, “they were props from the parade.”
And the sex toys?
The 24-year-old “victim” was quoted by the Times-Picayune as saying that Goldstein had “forced her to inhale nitrous oxide and smoke marijuana with him. At that point, he became aggressive and attacked her, ripping off some of her clothing.”
“Give me a break,” responded our staffer. “LJ couldn’t force his own mother to toast him a bagel. And besides, how does someone ‘force’ you to smoke marijuana? She probably just got paranoid and freaked.”
So the “victim” was lying?
“ Look at what LJ’s done for the community. He hands out lox and bagels to project kids, for Christ’s sake.”
And how is that relevant to attempted rape charges?
“Listen. LJ is a good guy,” our now-angry staffer responded. “He and I meet every week to read the Torah. I never would have become Jieuxish if it weren’t for him.”
This is a reference to the “Krewe du Jieux ,” a subkrewe of the parading society “Krewe du Vieux.” Another one of Goldstein’s satirical inventions, the Krewe du Jieux has paraded through the French Quarter streets for over ten years, dressed up for themes such as “The Metairie Jieux-billies” and the “Jieux Brothers” and handing out painted, glittery bagels inspired by Zulu coconuts.
“This year he came up with the Jewish Afrikan Injun League as a way to promote Jewish-African American relations. It was to honor Ronald Lewis, this year’s Krewe du Vieux king.”
Jewish Afrikan Injun League. Do you realize the acronym for that is JAIL?
“Of course. Some of us wore prisoner suits.” The staffer paused. “But God, that’s some bad foreshadowing.”
It certainly is.
“Read the article again,” she finally implored. “It’s full of inconsistencies. For one thing, the officer called LJ an ‘Oompa Loompa,’ even though LJ was painted in pink. Everyone knows that Oompa Loompas are orange. And look - the ‘victim’ admits to smoking all of the marijuana, yet blames it on LJ. Now who are you going to believe?"
So you’re saying LJ’s innocent?
"The only crime he committed was being foolish enough to wear his costume to the North Shore.”
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