In Surprise Move, Mayor Nagin asks Xzibit to "Pimp My City"

Looking to recover from political missteps suffered in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Mayor C. Ray Nagin today announced that he has turned to rapper and MTV personality Xzibit to aid in the reconstruction of the devastated New Orleans metro area.

“Xzibit,” Nagin announced. “Pimp My City.”


Nagin’s new proposal includes not only the recruitment of Xzibit but the formation of a seven-member Bling Back New Orleans Commission.

“My heart goes out to the people of New Orleans, you know,” said Pimp My Ride’s host, Xzibit, who has indeed signed on to the bold revitalization effort. “When I saw how those people were suffering, going without food, water, or even a decent sound system for days, my heart just broke, for real”

“That’s why the first thing we’re going to do is install killer subwoofers in the Superdome,” Xzibit added.

“It’s like this,” said Bryan ‘Baby’ Williams, of the Cash Money label and member of the Bling Back New Orleans Commission. “When you got ass-thumping, booty-bouncing top notch music pumping through the city ain’t nobody gonna wanna stay in Houston. You know what I’m sayin’?”

“I like bright lights,” asserted Entergy CEO and chair of the Bling Back commission Dan Packer. “Any effort that ups the kilowatt usage of the Metro area is a plan I endorse.”

In addition to plans for the plush lambskin leather stadium seating and the individual plasma screens installed in each seat back, Xzibit asserted that the Superdome’s exterior will not go unnoticed. “We’re working to replace the bland, white-washed exterior of the dome with a giant custom-built spinning rim.”

“It’s a brilliant idea,” Irvin Mayfield, New Orleans musician and Bling Back board member agreed. “People have got to know where they can go in a time of crisis, and in a time of crisis, nothing stands out more than a big, shining, spinning rim in the sky.”

Mayor Nagin will once again solicit Hugo Chavez and the Oompa Loompas of Venezuela and, due to Xzibit’s recruitment, Southern California, to assist in the construction of the custom-built spinning rim, to be known as the New Orleans SuperDub. In November, when Nagin first envisioned a revitalization plan that involved New Orleans as Chocolate City, Chavez and his team of hard working Oompa Loompas were called upon.

“If there’s one thing we know about our Spanish speaking brothers, it’s that they love a nice ride. You know those Oompa Loompas are gonna put everything they got into making the SuperDub,” Nagin assured.


While much of Pimp My City focuses on improving the conditions in and outside of Superdome, the renewal project doesn’t end with the downtown area. All across the city, New Orleanians can expect to see chinchilla-lined street cars and buses sporting twenty-four inch spinning rims, plush leather seating, and individual TV monitors equipped with digital cable, wireless internet access, and X-box.

Going beyond the public sector and into the private homes, Xzibit also proposes to use hydraulics technology on area foundations so that come next hurricane season, the families can “just bounce on outta here.”

As a result of this promised opulence, the citizens of New Orleans can also expect well-trained, high-class prostitutes at every corner.

“We’re forming a special sub-committee to ensure only the classiest females work our well-lit streets,” said Packer.

“I don’t like skanky hoes,” added Bling Back member and New Orleans Saints wide receiver Joe Horn.

The sub-committee, chaired by Bling Back member and restaurateur Al Copeland, will guarantee the quality of disease-free, rap video-tested, Cristal-pouring young whores throughout the greater New Orleans area.

Also, Bling Back member Mignon Faget will supply the women with elegant jewelry.

But all that blings is not platinum. While most agree that rebuilding New Orleans is an arduous task, some oppose the Bling Back New Orleans Commission as being racist, misogynist, homophobic, and materialistic.

In response to such criticism, Tulane historian and Bling Back committee member Douglas Brinkley offers his own experience as a rebuttal.

“Initially derived from the onomatopoeia of a visual effect used to denote light glistening off metal or jewels, the synesthesiac term ‘bling’ has now come to mean a set of values that encompasses playing hard, looking good and lapping up the finest,” Brinkley explained, citing his sources as a Wikipedia and a BBC article. “For example, as a pop historian who makes frequent television appearances and recently signed a large contract with Tulane University, I can be said to bling.”