New Orleans’ Newest Health Risk: Katrina Crabs

When Javier Vargas emerged from his tent in City Park on a crisp morning last week, he did what he has done every morning since coming to New Orleans as a contract laborer. He yawned, stretched, and scratched.

On this morning, though, he kept scratching. And scratching. And scratching.

Vargas is one of an as-yet-to-be-determined number of imported laborers to develop a case of “Katrina Crabs,” and the epidemic shows no signs of slowing down.

“My cousin Felix, the very next morning,” Vargas says, his head hanging ruefully. Speaking though a translator, he added: “They get all the way into his culo.”

Jesse Grummond, a 26 year old subcontractor for a New York-based cable installation company, woke up in a similar state of dismay. "Me and some of the guys went down to the Quarter when we got our checks last Friday. We had a couple of those hand-grenades and we hit the titty-bars. I guess I was pretty wasted, 'cause the next thing I know, I was back in our hotel room with one of the girls. When I woke up the next morning, my wallet was gone, and then I was like 'Man, my balls itch.' I went to the bathroom to take a leak, and when I checked myself out in the mirror, I was like 'what the fuck?'"

Local health experts are not sure of the root causes of the recent spurt in the number of cases, but as with so many mysterious developments in the months since Hurricane Katrina decimated New Orleans, several theories abound.

Zondrah Applebaum, a former part-time instructor of Sociology who has recently returned to stripping to make ends meet, explains the trend this way. “When you mix a large population of nomadic males laboring for a daily infusion of cash and a swath of bohemian girls who can no longer count on the crumbs of the tourism industry to survive, you’re going to get the kind of interaction that quite literally breeds this type of affliction.”

NOLAFugees medical expert Dr. Michael Halperstross offers a scientific view. “Ectoparasitic infections are infections that are caused by tiny parasitic bugs, such as lice or mites. Transmission generally occurs during sexual activity, but it can occur through physical contact with contaminated objects such as toilet seats, sheets, and blankets. Adult lice appear as small, silver-amber or black flecks, the nits as shiny ovals attached to the base of the hair shaft.”

“Katrina Crabs are a predatory beast,” Dr. Halperstross says, sighing. “I see innocent victims every day.”

The spread of Katrina crabs among the city’s current labor force threatens to further slow down the already crawling efforts to restore the decimated neighborhoods of New Orleans.

In an effort to find the origins of Katrina Crabs, NOLA Fugees sent out a team of freelance epidemiologists to find the hotspots where the crabs thrive and spread. The results were analyzed and a map was drawn up to highlight isolated hotspots around the city.

Javier Vargas woke up last week itching.

Jesse Grummond met his condition with surprise.

Shown up-close, these Katrina Crabs are predatory beasts.

NOLAFugees.com epidemiologists produced this map, right, in order to better inform the community of New Orleans latest health crisis.

The 'hot zone' seems to be located around prime "adult-themed" real-estate in the Vieux Carre.

NOLAFugees.com outbreak team traced the epicenter of outbreak to these 2 mattresses, found outside the Bourbon Pub, a popular dance club, and the Artist's Cafe, a strip club in the upper quarter.