Saints Adopt Slogan for 2006: "Faith is Optional"

After a disastrous 2005 season, which culminated in a 3-13 record, the firing of head coach Jim Haslett and the benching of quarterback Aaron Brooks, the New Orleans Saints announced they will return to Louisiana next year to play in the Superdome. And in keeping with the prevailing mood of the region, they have adopted a new slogan for the 2006 season: “Faith Is Optional.”

“We understand that people are still suffering from the effects of Katrina,” GM Mickey Loomis wrote in a prepared statement. “Therefore the last thing we want to do is instill false hope in people whose lives may never return to normal.”

“People are certainly free to continue coming to games,” Loomis' statement continues. “Football is a wonderful Sunday afternoon diversion from the horrors of life. Just don’t look to us for spiritual uplift, symbolic optimism, or a reliable pass defense.”

In a related story, Entergy CEO Dan Packer announced at town hall meeting the implementation of a “blackout surcharge” on all Entergy bills in 2006 to cover the cost of the bulk tickets his company will have to buy to ensure that Saints home games will be televised.

When asked if the public would tolerate an increase to their already arbitrarily high monthly energy bills, Packer seemed confident.

“Faith may be optional, but belief in quasi-public utility monopolies is mandatory.”

The New Orleans Saints reveal their 2006 logo.

According to GM Mickey Loomis, "the last thing we want to do is instill false hope."

Clean-up in Gentilly House Halted Due to Possible Epiphany

Debris removal came to a halt yesterday when the image of the Virgin of Guadalupe was spotted in the sheetrock of a double shotgun on Dorgenois Street. Tomas Pacquiao, a native of Guadalajara, Mexico, had just finished prying away the floorboards of the front room of the Gentilly house near the London Avenue Canal. He was preparing to take a sledgehammer to the walls when he noticed the beloved saint in the moldy sheetrock.

“I put down the tool, made the sign of the cross, and then hollered for the rest of the crew to come see the Virgin,” Pacquiao said through an interpreter.

The crew of seven men, mostly Mexican, arrived in New Orleans about two months ago and have been gutting and repairing houses all over the city ever since, even working on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

“When the others arrived, I said, ‘Mirra, la Virgen.’ Then I took out my rosary, and we all knelt down and spent the next forty minutes praying,” Pacquiao said.

Philip Langlois, the foreman of the crew, which was hired by Breux Brothers’ Demolition, expressed concern over the sighting. “Ever since Jorge accidentally drove a nail through his foot and Carlos had to be taken away after the knife incident on Orleans, we’re short a few men. We’re at a critical point here in the gutting process. We can’t afford any more setbacks now.”

Langlois continued: “But I’m a reasonable guy, I said, hey, take a break, pray a little, take a picture if you want, and when I come back from lunch I want to see that wall gone.”

Pacquiao had other ideas. “No puedo. I cannot destroy the virgin. Who could do such a thing? I knew I had to share this miracle with others. She came to me on the Epiphany. Why should I alone be blessed by her sight?”

Langlois explained when he got back from lunch there was long line of “little brown men” waiting outside the home on Dorgenois Street for a chance to see the Virgin de Guadalupe.

“I knew then this would be a problem, so I called the owners, and we were able to work something out.”

Wendel and Denise Jones, owners of the home on Dorgenois Street, have decided to open their home for viewing of the Virgin of Guadalupe.

“To be honest, it kind of looks like a big old butterfly to me,” Wendel Jones said. “We’re asking for a donation of five dollars,” Denise Jones added. “The money will go toward preserving the sheetrock for as long as these crazy people want to come here and look at it.”

The Orleans Parish Archdiocese has so far refused to comment on the validity of the shrine, but Mrs. Jones felt justified in the collections. "We’re not trying to take advantage of anyone,” she added. “We just know a good thing when we see it. I still got a house note."

Debris removal came to a halt when the Virgin of Guadalupe was discovered in moldy sheetrock on Dorgenois Street.

Tomas Pacquiao, who discovered the possible miracle, has recently moved to the Crescent City,

As long lines formed, Denise Jones, the owner of the Gentilly property, collected donations to preserve the shrine.

Mid-City Bonfires, Central City Murder Bring Normalcy to City

The annual New Year’s Eve bonfire on the Orleans Avenue neutral ground and the murder of an unidentified Central City man on Simon Bolivar Avenue restored normalcy to two neighborhoods that have undergone significant changes since Hurricane Katrina, witnesses say.

“It felt good to come back to the neighborhood and see old friends,” said Mid-City homeowner Katherine Gegenheimer. “Continuing the tradition of burning Christmas trees on Orleans has helped to retain my connectedness to the city.”

Over on Simon Bolivar, another tradition was restored. No one was willing to speak to reporters and no one claimed to have seen anything.

Tradition restored in Mid-City.