Chris Rose Interrupts Vacation To Write Obvious, Unfunny Column

With the entire city anxiously awaiting what he had to say on the subject of Ray Nagin’s “Chocolate City” speech, Times-Picayune columnist Chris Rose interrupted his vacation to write a column filled with rehashed unfunny jokes.

“Our Mayor, Willy Wonka,” Rose wrote, a full day after the entire city had made the Nagin/Wonka connection and the web was filled with Nagin-as-Wonka imagery, and nearly two full months since NOLA Fugees first established the connection.

Rose also imagined calling civil rights leader Martin Luther King, making the easy gag that “it takes a while to get through because he died in 1968” and filling out the imagery with such word-count-padding phrases like “avocado green rotary dial phones.”

Later in the column, Rose draws the expected parallel between God and Entergy CEO Dan Packer, a figure whose omnipotence has been well chronicled in the pages of NOLA Fugees and elsewhere
Rose also referenced Shirley MacLaine as a euphemism for crazy, a comic device popularized in the late 1980s.

Uptown Waiter Tired Of Chocolate Jokes

When Walker McCormack, a waiter at Le Petit Grocery on Magazine Street for the past two months, returned to work last Tuesday after three days visiting his family and snowboarding in Colorado, he noticed an increased interest on the part of his customers in the dessert menu.

“I’d tell them we had chocolate cake, and someone at the table would say ‘white chocolate or dark chocolate’ and the whole table would crack up,” McCormack said. “This happened all night. I was like, what the fuck? Did I miss something?”

Eventually, McCormack was filled in by co-workers about Mayor Ray Nagin’s infamous “Chocolate City” comments, and the subsequent outrage from white Uptowners, many of whom regularly dine at Le Petit Grocery.

As the week wore on, though, McCormack grew tired of the jokes.

“It got to where I didn’t even have the heart to push desserts, which isn’t good for me, because my rent doubled and I need to upsell like crazy to make ends meet,” McCormack said. “But if I hear one more person ask for a C. Ray Souffle, and then explain to the table how it involves nuts and so on and so forth, while I have to stand there and grin until they say they’re full and ask for the bill, I might jam my wine key in his fucking eye.”

Saints Vanilla Front Office Hires Vanilla Head Coach
In a move in keeping with the changing spirit of the city, the New Orleans Saints announced the hiring of Sean Payton, vanilla, formerly of the Dallas Cowboys, to be their head coach, replacing fired vanilla coach Jim Haslett.

“Sean is the right fit for our club,” said Saints GM Mickey Loomis, who hired Payton over Cleveland Browns offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon, who apparently was not a good fit.

It is expected that the Saints will use their first round draft pick to select vanilla Quarterback Matt Leinart of USC. The offensive-minded Payton is also looking to the Dartmouth College wide receiving corps to find “tough, disciplined, smart football players.”

Nonvanilla Entergy CEO Dan Packer, the man responsible for buying blocks of tickets in order for Saints games to be televised locally, would not comment directly on the Saints future plans, instead issuing a press release.

“Faith may be optional,” Packer said. “But belief in quasi-public utility monopolies is mandatory.”

Walter McCormack, recently returned from Colorado and tired of chocolate jokes.

Sean Payton, "the right fit."

Matt Leinart, the answer to the vanilla equation?

"Belief in quasi-public utility monopolies is mandatory."