The NOLAFugees Holiday Gift-Giving Guide

While this year’s holiday season will no doubt focus on what we as New Orleanians are thankful for, it’s important to remember what the holidays are really about: shame, guilt, and spite. For most of us living in the Isle of Denial, AKA Uptown, these feelings may have come and gone with the hurricane season. Shame ended when the WIC card ran out, and a thirty-minute rant by an enraged woman formerly of Lakeview delivered while trying to enjoy The Hot 8 at Le Bon Temps deadened any sense of survivors’ or rather dwellers’ guilt that remained. This brings us to our next, and perhaps most fun emotion of the three: spite. Spite is what gives us that fire in the belly or what yogis call prana. Spite works in a way nothing else can, not charity, not kindness, not even humility or jealousy. Spite unlocks the key to the holiday season.

Given the swath of emotions which is most likely gripping you this holiday season, like us, you may be a bit behind in your shopping. In the post-Katrina holiday spirit, we at NOLAFUGEES present our last-minute holiday gift giving ideas :


For your thugg, new gold slugz.

For Children: stock in companies specializing in military defense contracts

For the people who used feces to smear racial epithets on a Mid- city woman’s car-- White goods—What kind racist came up with that name anyway?

Fancy Socks for the Kentwood delivery boy

For the friend whose recently purchased double shotgun in Mid- city took on a few feet of water, a gym membership to Salvation Studio. And the conversation? Delicious.

A box of Russell Stover chocolates for the postal carrier who walks around live wires and piles of sheetrock to dump a handful of overdue bills in your mailbox

For the person who looted you: an autographed copy of Tom Piazza’s book “Why New Orleans Matters”

A chunk of the Superdome roof to wrap up and send to your cousin.

Gulf shrimp for the homeless

$5.99 White Tees to clothe the Mexicans repairing your roof.

For the whole family-- MRI gift certificates to detect the cancer you know you are slowly developing by living in “a toxic gumbo”

A bottle of Johnnie Walker Black to replace the one UNO Provost Rick Barton lost when his office was looted

A 2006 panda bear calendar for those who believe in predestination

One “Pass Go, Collect $200” for the neighbors who live in section eight housing

A home HIV test for your former colleague turned five-dollar whore


One “Get out of Jail Free Card” for anyone’s who’s been arrested
for being out after curfew

An EBT card still loaded with post-Katrina goodwill

Duvee comforter—for someone without a roof.

Quickly, before shame sets in again, get your shop on.