“B-Stupid” Charged With Every N.O. Murder Since 2003

Ivory "B-Stupid" Harris, accused of 739 counts of murder, accounting for nearly every homicide in Orleans Parish since 2003.

Hoping to quell the growing fears among New Orleans residents that the city’s murder rate might once again return to its staggering pre-Katrina levels, Orleans Parish District Attorney Eddie Jordan had three words:

“We got ‘em.”

During a press conference, Jordan, alongside acting NOPD Superintendent Warren Riley, announced that Ivory “B-Stupid” Harris, recently arrested in Kenner on outstanding warrants, was being indicted on 739 counts of murder.

“You all can rest easy now,” Superintendent Riley told reporters. “The wave of murders that has plagued our city has come to an end.”

The number of murders of which Harris is accused coincides almost exactly with the total recorded homicides in Orleans Parish dating back to 2003.

When reminded of this fact by reporters, Jordan said, “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Our man is off the streets. He’s in the custody of the authorities. The reign of terror is over.”

The news of the 739 indictments came as a relief to many citizens who attended the conference.

“It’s a relief to know they finally caught the guy,” said Nadine Babineaux, a Marigny bookkeeper. “Things should really improve from here.”

A more cynical view of the news was found on the “Crime and Safety” forum of nola.com. “He’ll be back on the streets in a month,” read one posting. “His uncle’s girlfriend is probably some judge’s babymama or some such shit. Fuck it, I’m buying another gun.”

During the question-and-answer session, skeptical out-of town reporters wondered aloud whether Jordan and Riley might be overly optimistic in their vision of a violent crime-free New Orleans based on the arrest of a single nineteen year-old perpetrator.

“Is it possible for one man to be responsible for all those murders?” asked Devin Boatman of The U.K. Guardian.

“I’ll tell you what,” Riley fired back. “If you’re some kind of conspiracy theorist who thinks there might be a second gunman, you better call Crimestoppers and tell them all about it.”

When Boatman, unfamiliar with the Crimestoppers hotline, asked Riley for the number, the local faction of the press corps rolled their collective eyes.

“822-1111,” they chanted in unison. “And you don’t have to give your name.”

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