Warriors of the Flat Rink
by Justin Burnell

The ladies of the Big Easy Rollergirls, bringing Flat Track Rollerderby to feed our urge for feminine bloodsport.

“These are women after all,” the Times-Picayune said of the Big Easy Roller Girls. These are athletes. Gender aside, these are people who ride on to the field of play and compete with tenacity comparable to any other. Skaters commonly get laid out, slammed into, sent sprawling and sliding into the audience. Jammers, the scorers of the sport, use speed and agility to maneuver around opposing blockers that wish only to see them crumpled on the floor. Roller derby matches are vicious and brutal, spilling into the fans that line the rink. Girls get hurt. A husband of one of the girls, Alec of Back Porch Revolution Records, said, “We could deal with a broken leg, but a neck or broken back . . .” when talking about the severity of the last minutes of a bout. While the pack is full of savage skaters who gladly hand out punishment to the other players, there is a strategic plan as well. They slow the pack to let their jammer catch them to score, or speed up to loose the opposing jammer. It is orchestrated brutality, and it is all any red-blooded sports fan could ask for.

Bessie Smithereens, number 54.

Reeling after losing their last two matches, The Legion of Zoom took the rink with authority. There was an air of confidence as they skated around the rink taking a quick lead that they would not surrender for the entirety of the match. It was a battle hard fought over a granite floor as hard and unrelenting as the players themselves. While Trixie la Femme of The Axles of Evil and Wit Vicious of The Legion of Zoom were the flashy fleet-footed stars, scoring points at will, bolting through the tightly knit pack unscathed at times, the difference maker and rising star was number 54, Bessie Smithereens, who on defense plowed over any skater foolhardy enough to come near commanding the pack with authority.

It was mid-way through the first half that the new strategy of The Legion that would carry them over the threshold and through the door of victory made itself apparent. The team moved Bessie from the blocking position her ruthless disposition seemed best suited for to jammer. On offense Bessie used the same strategy that made her a defensive powerhouse: plow over anyone who got in the way of her glory. She was able to pound and grapple her way through the pack becoming the lead jammer on each of her offensive outings, at one point driving directly through the center of the pack asserting herself as an offensive force to be reckoned with. Despite the deficit, which grew deeper with nearly every jam team, captains Bruise Springsteen and PowerSnatch would not allow their team to accept defeat. Even in the last minutes of the bout when hope was lost and any weaker spirit would have broken, The Axles of Evil did what any team with no chance at winning does, they fouled and careened into any Legion skater they could find leaving Legion athletes skidding across the concrete and into cheering fans. Despite the valiant effort of The Axles of Evil The Legion of Zoom championed their lead to a 93-48 victory, erasing the stinging memories of any recent losses.

It’s not all about girls in short skirts trying to score. There is a softer side to these warriors of the flat rink. While in the ring they may attempt to shove each other and use fallen skaters to take out multiple opponents, out of the ring it is about community and the opportunity to give each other the chance to compete. “We’re all part of the same league” Trixie la Femme responded to a fan's comment about her team’s loss. These women are part of the league to compete and to win but realize that sometimes sports can offer much more than just a good time.

Trixie la Femme and Crusty McKnuckle stressed that as a league two of the most important goals were to give adult women a venue for competition and to give back to the community. After each match a portion of the profits are given to the charity chosen for the bout. They are also taking part in Festivus, a name that should always be shouted or at least followed by an exclamation point, playing the role of “goodwill ambassadors,” a moniker which to Ms. McKnuckle means one who advises a patron on the advantages of buying from small shops and artisans. They will attend the event on December 3rd and 10th, but will be unable to attend on the 17th due to the need to bust skulls in the rink. The Big Easy Roller Girls hope to raise awareness of themselves and their contribution to the greater New Orleans community, as well as support local businesses, fair trade, and craftsmanship while at Festivus!

Catch the Big Easy Rollergirls on Saturday, December 16, at Mardi Gras World.

If you like women in short skirts, fishnets, and roller skates this is a must. If you like high-speed sports that are violent in nature and escalate to brutal come to Mardi Gras World on December sixteenth and watch the fun. If you want to watch pretty girls play a game, I leave you with the sage words expressed in Rollerball, by one of the best fictional male skate-oriented sports managers in history, Rusty: “Game? This wasn't meant to be a game. NEVER.”


Justin Burnell is NOLAFugees newest correspondent.