How to Get Yours: a review of Shortbus
by Feelicia Brown

Feelicia Brown reviews the "sexually adventurous" Shortbus.

I snagged a C-note from one of the NOLAFugees editors, so me and Feelix could share a bottle of Pomerol at Riche, that plush new restaurant down at the Harrah’s hotel. Next time I got to get enough cash so that we can actually eat there. We finished the wine and went across the street to Canal Place where a movie called Shorbus was playing. Good thing Feelix was busy getting the popcorn during the opening sequence. They show different people having sex, like the Asian girl and her punk husband, the dominatrix and her john, and this gay dude who at first you think is just doing yoga but then you realize he’s really trying to suck his own dick. It’s kind of funny, but once I understood what the movie was about, I found myself cheering for this guy to get his mouth around his own penis. Then I had to tell myself, “Hold up, now, you watching a man trying to blow his own self,” but guess what? He does.

A voiceover mentions New York after 9-1-1, so you know when the movie’s set, but it’s funny ‘cause they never mention the threat of terrorists or what they’re doing with the big hole in the ground, or anything like that. In between scenes they show this animated city with all the lights going on and going off, so you don’t forget where the story’s set. Apparently they have a problem with brownouts. When they pan from the city view, you get a clear picture of what Manhattan looks like from above—a crooked penis. Symbolic, right?

Well, it seems the plot revolves around three main characters: the gay dude who never lets his partner fuck him and who records everything because he plans to kill himself; the dominatrix who wants a real relationship, an apartment instead of the storage room where she lives now, and a cat, but can’t afford the city; and the Asian sex counselor who never had an orgasm.

Her man a punk; you can tell by his boxers.

Problem with your Asian girl is that her man a punk and she got to know that because only punk boys and rap stars wear Burberry boxers. She gets introduced to this place called the Shortbus Salon where folks with sex issues can go and be themselves. They have a Sex Not Bombs room, which is like a place of orgies.

Your Asian girl meets some other young women who have them lesbian tendencies, and the one sister in the film sets it straight for your girl. “Claim it for yourself,” she says about the orgasm. The film kind of misleads you because you think that your girl will get hers with the dominatrix. They meet every day for a week in this water cave place where the dominatrix tries to coach your girl to an orgasm. Your girl tries some things at home, too, and naturally, the vibrator she uses is black, and maybe that’s all she needs, a little flavor in her life. But one day at the Shortbus your dominatrix humps your Asian girl because your Asian girl’s got a vibrating egg in her panties. And guess what? Your Asian girl doesn’t get hers, and least not yet.

Naturally, the vibrator is black.

Eventually the gay dudes get into a three way with this other young guy who sings the national anthem into your suicidal boy’s boy’s ass. That scene was too much for Feelix. He got up to use the men’s room.

In the end, some things get resolved, like your dominatrix girl who has a heart-to-heart with your suicidal gay boy. When he finally tries to kill himself, he gets saved by this creepy neighbor who’s been spying on him for years. They go back to the neighbor’s place where your boy finally lets someone fuck him. Naturally, the movie ends with your Asian girl finally getting hers during a three way with another couple.

I guess the one scene that didn’t really fit was the end when the queen who runs the Shortbus Salon started singing, and they did this big finale with a brass band. I lived in New York for two years and been to them underground night clubs like the Clit Club, and I ain’t never seen no brass band.

By the way, I didn’t see any black female having trouble with her orgasm. You might think this movie’s racist because they mention that your girl is Chinese Canadian and there are no lead black characters. But all I have to say is: I know how to get mine, and where’s the conflict in that?

Feelicia Brown reviews the cinema for NOLAFugees.com.