“CRIME-INY!!”: Riley Blames Stingrays for Holiday Weekend Violence

A new threat faces the citizens of Orleans Parish.

After a spike in violence over the Labor Day holiday that has renewed concern among citizens that the NOPD cannot control the city, police chief Warren Riley today called a press conference to explain the killings.

“Stingrays,” Riley announced. “If they can take down the Crocodile Hunter, what chance does a 16-year old inner-city kid walking the streets of Jackson Avenue at 2:30 in the morning have?

Particularly alarming, Riley noted, was the expanded range amid the region that stingrays seem to have.

“These stingrays are starting to spill over into the suburbs, like that dude sitting in his car on Jefferson Highway,” Riley explained.

“And for awhile there I even thought they got Vince Marinello’s wife. Though I damn sure can’t figure out why he didn’t pay one off.”

To combat the problem, Riley said that he plans to make the entire department view a special screening of Snakes On A Plane in order to build morale and “maybe learn a thing or two from Samuel L. in how to handle exotic beasts.”