A Post-Preseason Offering
by Jack Moss

Faith may be optional, but to NOLAFugees political analyst and handicapper Jack Moss, the Saints future is bright.

If you think there’s even the slightest possibility that you will wager on the outcome(s) of any NFL game this season—whether it be through fantasy football, a weekly card, an online account, an office pool, anything—then you must, to stay in good graces with the Betting Gods, make a preseason offering.

As for what kind of offering to make, wise men say the Betting Gods look kindly upon a Futures wager: a wager made on the outcome of an event months or even years before that event. To lay such a bet, they explain, is the most decorous acknowledgement of Their Omnipotent Whim.

Of course, countless Futures propositions exist: who will win the Super Bowl, who’ll be named league MVP, who’ll throw or rush for the most yards or touchdowns, etc. etc.—and any will suffice as an offering and winning it or losing doesn’t make the offering any better or worse. But while you’re piously taking care of your solemn preseason duties, you may as well try to pick a long odds Cinderella.

And here she is: the New Orleans Saints will win their division next season and thereby earn a bye in the first round of the NFL Playoffs.

Now if this makes you snicker, if you guffaw at the mere thought of such an ill-fated wager, if you only see a floor-scrubbing hag in rags instead of the princess of the ball—you’re not alone.

The Boys in Vegas have the Saints at 8-1 to win the NFC South, easily the long shot. Considering the rest of their division— Michael Vick’s A-T-Ale Dirty Birds, homeboy Jake Delhomme’s Carolina Panthers, and Chuckie’s Tampa Bay Bucs—no informed, clear-headed fan can conceive of such a coup. And a coup it would be. A miracle, really: a franchise resurrected.

Scripted or not, a fortuitous pattern has emerged—one which has gone unbeknownst to a vast majority of the betting public, one which can be traced directly back to August 29, 2005.

Katrina all but ended the Saints’ 2005 season before it started. To the point: any professional football team that has to practice in random high school gymnasiums around a city in a foreign state isn’t ever gonna win anything anytime anywhere. And that ain’t playing the Katrina Card.

Then, for added measure, the Football Gods saw to it that soon thereafter the team’s starting running back and face of the franchise, Deuce McAllister, tore a ligament in his knee, thus effectively stamping out what little hope remained to have, at best, a mediocre season.

Seemingly detrimental, these two events paved the way for not just a bad season, but a really really bad season—3 wins, 13 losses—abysmal enough anyway to lead to, er, hasten the scapegoatings and disposals of Head Coach Jim Haslett and quarterback Aaron Brooks, both who were still under contract with the team for the 2006 season. Thus, the inevitable slate-cleaning necessary to build a winning team was done a year ahead of schedule.

The Saints were then in the market for a hard-ass, detail-oriented, Bill Parcells-like coach—in other words, an Anti-Haslett—serendipitously at a time when the market had one to offer. Bill Parcells protégée and Grade A hard-ass Sean Payton, considered by many to be the best head coaching prospect in the ranks of assistant coaches, agreed to a multi-year contract with the Saints not long after the end of the 2005 season. In short time, Payton surrounded himself with outstanding assistant coaches and coordinators, which, as a group, is one of the best in the league and clearly the best the franchise has ever had.

So with the new coaching staff in place, the Saints then sought a competitive, football-smart, field general of a quarterback—that’s right, the Anti-Brooks—just as San Diego Chargers quarterback Drew Brees, a former Pro Bowl selection with playoff experience, was looking for a new team to lead. He signed with the Saints in April, a few weeks before the 2006 NFL Draft.

Of course, for parity’s sake, the NFL gives the teams who finished the worse records the highest picks in the next year’s draft. The Saints did badly enough in 2005 to be given the #2 pick.

Luckily for the Saints, the Draft Class of 2006 was especially talent-laden, and after signing Brees (and thus not having to draft a quarterback), they had options. The Saints could acquire any player but the best one (and arguably the best draft prospect in two decades—a bona fide supernova), USC running back and Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush.

Bush, as most followers of football expected, would be picked first by the woeful Houston Texans, who, after finishing 2-14, truly deserved the #1 pick. But the Texans—immune to the ridicule of the league and unafraid of the scorn of supporters— instead selected North Carolina State’s Mario Williams, a defensive end. Thanks, Houston!

Draft Day for the Saints then became Reggie Bush Day, and season ticket sales, which had increased dramatically after the Payton and Brees signings, went through the hole in the ‘Dome’s roof. For once, even if it were only for an afternoon, the Saints were the envy of the league.

Since then, the organization has continued to make good free-agent acquisitions and trades—another sign that things have changed at 5800 Airline Drive. Poster boy for lazy lard asses everywhere, defensive lineman Jonathan Sullivan, was traded to the New England Patriots; similarly, disgruntled “I think I’m better than I am” wide receiver Donte Stallworth was traded to the Philly Eagles for a solid, tackle machine of a linebacker, Mark Simoneau, and a draft pick; football-smart linebackers Scott Fujita and Scott Shanle were acquired from Coach Payton’s old team, the Dallas Cowboys; and Omar Stoutmire, an instinctive, playmaking defensive back, was acquired from the New York Giants.

Add to this the return of the Deuce and Michael “Beer Man” Lewis from injury and the comings-of-age of arguably the best pair of defensive ends in the league, Will Smith and Charles Grant; the immergences of rookies Jahri Evans (guard), Roman Harper (safety) and Marques Colston (wide receiver), and you have a legitimate contender for the NFC South crown, one nice and snug under the radar—that is, a steal at 7-1.

Now for those of you who still doubt the Good News manifesting before your eyes—you thick-headed, cynical coonasses and crotchety, miserable Yankees alike—you are blind, but soon you will see.

‘Cause this year, babe, Cinderella’s wearing a stunning black and gold number, and she’s gonna get funky at the ball.

Jack Moss is NOLAFugees' political analyst and handicapper. He'll be filing weekly for NOLAFugees.com throughout the 2006-2007 season.